I know I’m not perfect…far from it actually. I make mistakes. I’m not a good money manager. I clean house, but it’s not spotless. I get tired easily. I’m not a very sexual person anymore. I’m overweight. I speak my mind sometimes when I should keep my mouth shut. I get mad. I hold grudges. I overthink and worry about everything. I wonder what people think of me. I get tongue tied especially around coworkers and new people.
I care about people and some probably too much. I want to help others. I go out of my way to please people. I love with everything in me. I put others before myself. I hate drama. I work hard. I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. I’m adventurous.
I know you can’t please everyone even if you tried. However, I don’t understand why so much falls on me to do. I get up at 5am and am the first to get up. I work a full time job getting home around 5pm Then come home to do some light housework, laundry and dinner. Hubs gets up about 8:30am and is home by 5:30pm if not sooner. He comes in and sits in his chair the entire evening petting animals and snacking. I’m expected to let the animals in and out for bathroom breaks, get his snacks and drinks as needed, continue my “wifely chores,” take care of the finances, grocery shopping, mowing grass, cleaning gutters, and most of whatever else needs done. He makes more than double what I do, yet I pay for more than half of the household bills (utilities, groceries, etc). He doesn’t help me with Chritmas or birthday gifts for my kids or grandkids even though we’ve been married most of my children’s lives. Yet, somehow he thinks he’s justified in calling me names and belittling me especially if I don’t do what he wants when he wants it. I don’t understand how someone that says they love you can call you names one minute and act like everything is peachy the next. How can they treat you one way in public and another in private?
Why does he do this? Why do I allow it? Why don’t I stand up for myself? Why I don’t I move on? I’m terrified. I’m not sure why. The thought of starting over at the age of 40 is almost paralyzing. However, can I really do this until I die? I’d rather just kill myself and not face it or the threats he’s made against me if I was to ever leave him. Maybe that makes me a coward. So what if I does. How am I supposed to continue living this way? What did I do to deserve this? Will I ever be good enough for him or anyone else?