Another Saturday and another anxiety attack building. Weekends used to be fun and relaxing. Now, they are filled with orders, complaining, whining and nagging.
I’m so sick of it but don’t have the strength to do or say anything anymore. My home life consists of me taking care of pets, waiting on the hubs, cooking, cleaning enough to get by and playing on my phone.
To outsiders my marriage looks nearly perfect. We are active church members with jobs there. He holds a position. He’s very well known in the area with a good job. I work at a local school. We are members of a local motorcycle group. We have a nice home and expensive toys. However, money and toys do not define happiness. No one has a clue what things are like behind closed doors.
My typical day through the work week goes like this. I wake up at 6am to let our four dogs out and get ready for work. I have to stand outside with the new puppy to make sure he goes. I try to be quiet letting them back in because hubs is still asleep. I feed and water all 5 pets and scoop the cat litter. I hop in the shower real quick and get ready for work. I leave the house around 7 and the hubs is snoozing away (He usually gets up between 8:30-9 for work).
Work is usually nonstop for me. You never know what to expect working with kids especially those with special needs. If I don’t call the hubs on my lunch, he gets ticked and calls me. The call usually starts with a smart alek comment from him. I really enjoy my job but most days are mentally exhausting and sometimes I lose track of time or am busy with one of the kids. I don’t get duty free breaks or lunch. I have to eat lunch in the room with my kids so it’s easy to get distracted and forget the time.
I get home around 4 and go straight to let the dogs out. If I have something to do that prevents me from going home right after work, I get read the riot act. I quit walking after work because honestly it’s not worth the fight. Anyway after I let the dogs out, I make sure they all have food and water still, clean any accidents in crates and scoop poop again. I’m exhausted so I try to lay down for about an hour before the hubs gets home. Unfortunately, last week hubs managed to come home early and I didn’t get to lay down at all.
Once he’s home, I start dinner and laundry if needed. I know not to have his dinner too late or it’s a gripe session the whole evening. Late to him is 7 pm. He likes to eat about 5:30-6 so I try to have food ready then. I also know not to leave the kitchen while I’m cooking unless it’s really quick because he HATES when things are burnt or get done at different times and he has to wait on something. When dinner is done, I make his plate and either take it to him or set it at the table. I get him whatever he wants to drink, bring it to him in a frosty cold glass from the freezer and napkin. If something is not ready yet and I go back to working on it instead of bringing his drink, I get yelled at to bring him his drink before he chokes to death.
When he’s finished eating, I get his dishes and take to the sink. The rest of my evening consists of letting the dogs out, getting the hubs snacks and drink and any housework I can manage to muster the energy to do. I do know I have to make sure he has work clothes clean and laid out for the next day or it’s a big fight. I never get to watch anything I want on tv so I just play on my phone. Surfing the web, fb or playing my games keep my occupied but he hates me doing it. I’m accused of being in my phone too much or cheating on him. He threatens to take my phone. When it’s dark outside, I like to turn the lamp on that’s between our chairs. I HATE sitting in the dark. However, he doesn’t allow it. If I turn it on, he turns it off and makes a hateful comment.
The only difference on the weekends is the work. Neither one of us have to work weekends. So my two days off are taking care of animals, making and cleaning up 3 meals a day, trying to do my wifely duties like laundry and housework, and listen to the hubs gripe, whine, nag and complain nearly constant. It seriously feels nonstop.
Today’s bring down your wife comments and orders have been almost too much. He sits in his chair and tells me to let the dogs out and back in every little bit. He’s told me I need to do this, I need to call this person, I need to look up this online, put drinks in the fridge, I need to email this person. All this being said while he’s kicked back relaxing in his chair. During a TV show today, I’m not even sure how it came up, but he made a comment about our sex life not being good anymore because I don’t get wet enough now. I’ve had a hysterectomy that’s screwed up everything. He also mentioned that I knew that was one of his requirements and that was the one things he could count on in the past. He doesn’t even get that now. (His words) Then out of the blue he starts complaining about money and how I need to pay my bills. I pay more than my share of everything even though he makes more than twice what I do. He’s complaining about not feeling good and he’s depressed. I’m bringing him down. He cusses at me a lot now. The “F” word is his word of choice.
His daughter came home for a few minutes. I splurged and got my hair done this week (dyed my gray hair to my natural color and got a short bob…like ear leangth). I rarely do get my hair professionally done. It was her first time seeing it. She said she really likes it. I replied with “thanks, but your dad doesn’t like it.” She asked him why. His response was “she looks like a damn man.” He said this to me the night I got it done too.
I feel more like the evil stepchild that’s not wanted than his wife. I just want to disappear.