I’ve been MIA for awhile, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t written. I just can’t seem to bring myself to post any of them. So much has happened. I don’t even know where to begin. You’ve seen a rough background of my family. However, there is so much more than meets the eye.
Depression is a terrible thing that carries a stygma and a lot of people know nothing about. My husband being one of them. It’s not something you can snap out of. It’s not something that is chosen. It is a debilitating illness that often requires medication in order to overcome or at least survive it.
I have battled it in secret since my dad passed away. My marriage and how I’m treated has not helped. In the past year, I have seriously considered suicide. I’ve tried to overdose three times with no success at all. So I researched methods and success rates. By the way, overdose is least likely to work. You usually just get nauseous. I’ve picked up guns I have laying around the house but I don’t want my kids finding me like that. I want to end my life not give them horrible images to live with forever. I’ve made a living will, paid for my funeral and picked everything out for it. I’ve started cutting myself with razor blades when I become overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. It takes my mind off my anxiety and what’s going on that moment.
I’ve went to be by myself twice. The first time, I just drove for about 6 hours on some country roads not answering calls or texts. The second time, I drove several hours and got a hotel room. Again, I wouldn’t respond to anyone. I just needed time to try to think or clear some of the jumbled thoughts and fight the urge to end my life without being nagged at. I did not sleep well and it didn’t help anything so I came back home. I sometimes regret it.
I still think about leaving. However, the fear of thinking this is the “happiest” I’ll ever be and it will be worse on my own terrifies me. I’m afraid of the communities reaction and the rumors that would be spread. Small towns are the worse. Everyone thinks they know everything about everyone. I’m afraid of how the children in the family would react to a divorce. Honestly, I’m a little afraid of him too.
I want to run away and try to start a new life. I’m just so tired of it all. 😔