My thoughts feel like scrambled eggs squishing in my head. Sometimes it’s hard to make sense of all the jumbled words. Today is the start of my blog as I reflect on the past, deal with my daily struggles, and think about the future. Overthinking and depression has become a major problem for me. I’m hoping with time it will become easier to write and work through my issues.
Let’s start with a little background information on myself before I pour my heart out. I am in my second marriage, a mother of two, and grandmother to one adorable baby boy in my late thirties. You can call me a jack of all trades and a master of none. Several jobs doing anything from clerical work to delivering mail part-time are on my resume. Working in the school system is one of my favorite jobs. The children are amazing and always keep me on my toes. Enough of the basics, we’ll skip to the roller coaster called my life.
Over the last seven years, my world has slowly been crumbling. Everything I had been accustomed to, my whole family life would come crashing down. When my daughter turned fourteen, I was served court papers. My ex-husband decided to keep my kids after a weekend visit and was fighting for custody.
These are MY babies. I carried them. I stayed five weeks in the hospital at my daughter’s side as she fought for her life. I was the one that took them to their doctor and dentist appointments. I took care of them when they were sick. I worked two jobs, took my kids to school, picked them up, cooked, cleaned, and mowed. I did everything and he had the balls to take my kids away from me. I was devastated. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. A custody battle was ahead of me, but my love and determination helped guide me.
Every day was a struggle. My house felt so empty. Work became an issue as well. When walking into a room, a hush would come over; everyone stopped what they were doing, and stared at me. I’m not stupid. I knew they were talking about me. I didn’t know the exact conversation, but my imagination ran wild. Thoughts about what a horrible mother I must be for my children to want to live with their dad. The incessant battle in my head only got worse. All I wanted to do was sleep so I wouldn’t thing about my babies. Food became my comfort while I was awake. I gained ten pounds in the month of the custody dispute.
I know my daughter had been unhappy about the rules and consequences being different for my step-daughter than my children. This was not of my doing. I tried to keep everything equal in every aspect. However, my step-daughter would go against me every chance she could and her dad usually took her side. I know and understand my daughter’s frustration, but I tried to be the best mommy I could. Looks like I failed miserably.
Sadly, my ex-husband was awarded custody of my daughter. In my state when a child turns fourteen, they can choose which parent they want to live with regardless of the lies that have been told or if the other parent had the basic necessities such as a bed, which he did not have. Unfortunately, I wasn’t even awarded visitation. The judge said she was old enough to choose where she wanted to live and when or if she wanted to visit me.
My son came home with me after the hearing. He was only twelve and was confused when he went to court. My children have always been close. There is only two years difference in them. He didn’t want to be separated from his sister, but didn’t want to leave me either. He noticed the change in me and how I was hurting. He said, “Mommy, I will never hurt you like sissy did.” At that moment I not only realized how torn he must be, but also in two years I would probably going through the same battle with him.