Seriously?!

It’s been a long week and we’re just half way through. This evening, I made hubs’ dinner and took to him at the kitchen table. I went to make his drink, open the fridge door, then go to the dishwasher to get the glass that I forget and hubs completely flips out. Like seriously, starts screaming at me because I left the fridge door open for like 5 seconds while I took a few steps to the dishwasher to get a glass.  

It wasn’t like a little yell. He seriously flipped out. Screaming at me. Telling me he’s warned me. He jumped up, saying I’ll show you and went to he breaker box and turned off the electric to the fridge. Who in the world acts like that?!  His tantrum went on for over 30 minutes before he decided to turn the electric back on to the fridge. 

He sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He actually wanted me to apologize for leaving the door open. I’m proud of myself for not overreacting and staying calm. However, I did let him know he was acting like a 2 year old with his tantrum and it was ridiculous. 

Just when I thought I would be able to stay in the marriage and fight through the problems he does this and I start having flashbacks. Has he really changed or was it all fake?

Will It Ever End?!

Another ramblings for the day. 

I answered a question my husband asked me and he got angry with me. He raised his voice, said I’m hateful and he’s about about done with this. I take this as a divorce threat. He does this probably once a week or so. I swear I can’t say a word tonight without him saying I’m being mean or hateful. 

Now, he’s decided to hound  me about “my” bills and finances. I don’t know bud, but how about you help me instead of expecting me to do pay more than half of everything when you make more than double what I do. Ugh…will it ever end?! 

Sick and Tired

Can I just skip Christmas?  This cold/flu or whatever it is is about to get the best of me. I feel terrible. I’m don’t have much money. I’ve only bought a couple Christmas presents for my grandchildren. I haven’t bought anything for my children or my husband. My house is a disaster. I have a ton of laundry to do. I need to pay bills and go through mail but then there’s hat money problem again. I didn’t put up any Christmas decorations not even a tree. My family won’t come for Christmas dinner at my house. They decided that even before I got sick.  I’m rambling I know. I’n fighting another anxiety attack and my mind is going around in circles. I feel so alone and overwhelmed. The suicidal thoughts are pounding in my ears all day. I started cutting again today. I just want it to end. 

Life Isn’t Fair

I’m so stinking frustrated. I messed my life up in my teenage years by dropping out of school and getting married way too young. I’ve tried to make up for it. I work my butt off and have since I was 19 doing various jobs. 

Here I am 40 years old and have nothing to show for it. I make $20,000 a year and have to deal with a lot of crap working 11 hours a day with no duty free breaks or lunch. No chance of advancement and no recognition. 

I’m in debt up over my head mainly because of birthday and Christmas’ past. Yes it’s my fault but at the time I thought the hubs was going to help pay for the gifts. 

I dropped out of college after my dad passed away. I went into a severe depression and could barely function. I only have a year and a half or less to go, but I haven’t been able to repay my student loans so going back is out of he question. 

I said all that to get to this. Why do I have to work so hard and never accomplish anything and it seems some people have everything handed to them?  I know a 24 year old that just got a promotion and will be making $55k. She has zero common sense. I seriously wonder how she gets to and from work every day. She lives at home and only has a car payment. She’s been a spoiled brat her whole life and thinks he world revolves around her. Everything has been given to her on a silver platter. And here I am working my buns off, would help any body and have nothing to show for it. 

Maybe this is just showing me yet again that I’m worthless. I’m just a waste of air and space. I am nothing and will always be nothing.  

Pros, Cons, and Whys

 I know I’m not perfect…far from it actually. I make mistakes. I’m not a good money manager. I clean house, but it’s not spotless. I get tired easily. I’m not a very sexual person anymore. I’m overweight. I speak my mind sometimes when I should keep my mouth shut. I get mad. I hold grudges. I overthink and worry about everything. I wonder what people think of me. I get tongue tied especially around coworkers and new people. 

I care about people and some probably too much. I want to help others. I go out of my way to please people. I love with everything in me. I put others before myself. I hate drama. I work  hard. I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. I’m adventurous. 

I know you can’t please everyone even if you tried.  However, I don’t understand why so much falls on me to do.  I get up at 5am and am the first to get up. I work a full time job getting home around 5pm Then come home to do some light housework, laundry and dinner. Hubs gets up about 8:30am and is home by 5:30pm if not sooner. He comes in and sits in his chair the entire evening petting animals and snacking. I’m expected to let the animals in and out for bathroom breaks, get his snacks and drinks as needed, continue my “wifely chores,” take care of the finances, grocery shopping, mowing grass, cleaning gutters, and most of whatever else needs done. He makes more than double what I do, yet I pay for more than half of the household bills (utilities, groceries, etc).  He doesn’t help me with Chritmas or birthday gifts for my kids or grandkids even though we’ve been married most of my children’s lives. Yet, somehow he thinks he’s justified in calling me names and belittling me especially if I don’t do what he wants when he wants it. I don’t understand how someone that says they love you can call you names one minute and act like everything is peachy the next. How can they treat you one way in public and another in private? 

Why does he do this? Why do I allow it? Why don’t I stand up for myself? Why I don’t I move on? I’m terrified. I’m not sure why. The thought of starting over at the age of 40 is almost paralyzing. However, can I really do this until I die?  I’d rather just kill myself and not face it or the threats he’s made against me if I was to ever leave him. Maybe that makes me a coward. So what if I does. How am I supposed to continue living this way?  What did I do to deserve this?  Will I ever be good enough for him or anyone else?