It’s been almost 2 years since I last posted and while some things have changed. Sadly, a lot is still the same. Where should I begin with the update?
My depression came to a boiling point last year. My financial problems, receiving a lay off letter at work, bickering with the hubs and the constant feeling of worthless ness came to a head.
On Easter night 2017, I took a cocktail of medicine cabinet drugs and tried to end it. Stupid, cowardly me woke up feeling weird, freaked out and woke the hubs up to tell him what I did. He became furious. Screaming at me about how stupid I was and he was done with me. Telling me I was going to be dropped off at the hospital and he was divorcing me. After about an hour he made me call my daughter and tell her what I did. Eventually he took me to the hospital. The medicines were old so they didn’t do much. He called down son at the hospital but still was telling me it was a stupid move and only idiots do that. Nothing is bad enough to do that. If I would’ve succeeded, I would’ve went to hell. One night in ICU and I was back home it’s him. I thought things would change. I went to some counseling until my insurance stopped paying.
Faat forward to today. I was able to keep working but in a different job and not full time until recently. It’s been very stressful and hearing my husband remin me of the job mess and a job He says I should’ve kept 8 years ago hasn’t help.
There are a lot of issues with the future of my current job. The employees may be having a one day walk out or even a strike. I’ve been reading and being proactive on he issues, going to meetings (which he gets furious about), reading up on what other employees think and are doing. I try to read him information and keep him informed as well. I almost always get ignored, or the look like I’m bothering him but I still try to let him know what’s going on because it affects him too especially since I carry the insurance for both of us.
There are 3 different unions that work with the employees and information has been confusing between them at time. As I’m reading to him today, I say “I may just say we need to work together and coordinate” directing towards the unions. He screams at me “that’s whats wrong with you! You don’t know when to keep your mouth shut!” Keep in mind I had not said anything to anyone at that point. I get upset. I had just started talking to him and hadn’t even told him the most important part. I tear up and decide to go to the broom. As I close my door I hear him say “ HATEFUL FUCKIG BITCH!”
So as this point I’m like oh hell no. I’m no going to letthis go without soaking up. I go back and tell him this is why I question your love for me. You don’t say that to someone that you supposed love. You don’t call them names. You don’t scream at them for no reason when they are trying to talk to you. I have listened to his union stuff all the time for 4 years even during negotiations but God forbid I say anything about anything. They he started saying we should just go our separate ways because he can’t ever say anything right that I’m always mad at him. REALLY?! Oh ok let’s turn this around and make it a poor poor you show. Ugh!
Why cant I have a somewhat normal marriage where we work as a team. It’s not I or my but we and ours? Is he a narcissist? Will the name calling and belittling ever stop? Will he ever change? Why can’t I be strong and actually do something? All this does is make me wish I hadn’t have woke him up when I took the pills and I just never had woke up.
It’s been a long week and we’re just half way through. This evening, I made hubs’ dinner and took to him at the kitchen table. I went to make his drink, open the fridge door, then go to the dishwasher to get the glass that I forget and hubs completely flips out. Like seriously, starts screaming at me because I left the fridge door open for like 5 seconds while I took a few steps to the dishwasher to get a glass.
It wasn’t like a little yell. He seriously flipped out. Screaming at me. Telling me he’s warned me. He jumped up, saying I’ll show you and went to he breaker box and turned off the electric to the fridge. Who in the world acts like that?! His tantrum went on for over 30 minutes before he decided to turn the electric back on to the fridge.
He sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He actually wanted me to apologize for leaving the door open. I’m proud of myself for not overreacting and staying calm. However, I did let him know he was acting like a 2 year old with his tantrum and it was ridiculous.
Just when I thought I would be able to stay in the marriage and fight through the problems he does this and I start having flashbacks. Has he really changed or was it all fake?
Another ramblings for the day.
I answered a question my husband asked me and he got angry with me. He raised his voice, said I’m hateful and he’s about about done with this. I take this as a divorce threat. He does this probably once a week or so. I swear I can’t say a word tonight without him saying I’m being mean or hateful.
Now, he’s decided to hound me about “my” bills and finances. I don’t know bud, but how about you help me instead of expecting me to do pay more than half of everything when you make more than double what I do. Ugh…will it ever end?!
Can I just skip Christmas? This cold/flu or whatever it is is about to get the best of me. I feel terrible. I’m don’t have much money. I’ve only bought a couple Christmas presents for my grandchildren. I haven’t bought anything for my children or my husband. My house is a disaster. I have a ton of laundry to do. I need to pay bills and go through mail but then there’s hat money problem again. I didn’t put up any Christmas decorations not even a tree. My family won’t come for Christmas dinner at my house. They decided that even before I got sick. I’m rambling I know. I’n fighting another anxiety attack and my mind is going around in circles. I feel so alone and overwhelmed. The suicidal thoughts are pounding in my ears all day. I started cutting again today. I just want it to end.
I’m so stinking frustrated. I messed my life up in my teenage years by dropping out of school and getting married way too young. I’ve tried to make up for it. I work my butt off and have since I was 19 doing various jobs.
Here I am 40 years old and have nothing to show for it. I make $20,000 a year and have to deal with a lot of crap working 11 hours a day with no duty free breaks or lunch. No chance of advancement and no recognition.
I’m in debt up over my head mainly because of birthday and Christmas’ past. Yes it’s my fault but at the time I thought the hubs was going to help pay for the gifts.
I dropped out of college after my dad passed away. I went into a severe depression and could barely function. I only have a year and a half or less to go, but I haven’t been able to repay my student loans so going back is out of he question.
I said all that to get to this. Why do I have to work so hard and never accomplish anything and it seems some people have everything handed to them? I know a 24 year old that just got a promotion and will be making $55k. She has zero common sense. I seriously wonder how she gets to and from work every day. She lives at home and only has a car payment. She’s been a spoiled brat her whole life and thinks he world revolves around her. Everything has been given to her on a silver platter. And here I am working my buns off, would help any body and have nothing to show for it.
Maybe this is just showing me yet again that I’m worthless. I’m just a waste of air and space. I am nothing and will always be nothing.